Pub-Man and the Masters Of The Local!

I am Mark, prince of Armitage-Shanks and defender of the secrets of the Whitbread Brewery. This is Agnes, an ugly hag. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic pint and said “By the power alcohol! I am inebriated!”. Agnes became mighty beautiful, and I became Pissed, the most drunken man in the Universe.

Only three others share this secret. Our friends The Barman, Bloke-At-The-End-Of-The-Bar, and Taxi Driver. Together we defend Castle Lets-Not-Wake-Up-In-A-Police-Cell from the evil forces of That-Copper-That’s-Giving-Me-A-Strange-Look.

OK, they’re not quite the words, but it needed to be done. He-Man may be entertaining, but it’s for the wrong reasons. You can’t watch an episode without curling up into a little ball because the pain of laughing too much is just overpowering.

If He-Man was a smell, it would be the strong smell of Cheese. He-Man, the most powerful man in the Universe? Most modest man in the Universe more like it. Who does he think he is? If I went around saying I was the most powerful man in the Universe, I’d get my head kicked in.

If he truly is the most “powerful man in the Universe”, then we are seriously in deep deep trouble. Face it, the guy is a complete banana. The bloke spends more of his time standing around with his hands on his hips than he does defending the Universe.

And as for the way he runs. The way all of them run come to think of it. Oh my. Sorry, can’t go on because I’m creasing up just bringing back the memories of their quick sprinting actions.

And the icing on the cake comes at the end of every episode – the morals. He-Man has just spent the last 20 minutes showing us the correct way to stand with your hands on your hips to achieve maximum laughter, and then comes some words of advice.

Most of them had something to say, advice that young kids just couldn’t do without like not talking to strangers, and not sticking your hand into a meat mincer. All of them bring a little smile to your face now though. Take a look at the links section for a page that really sums it all up – the Don’t Put Mustard on the Cat moral. Although it’s not a real He-Man moral, it certainly could be.